Enough

Fear has a way of creeping in. Some people may say they are fearless, but I believe everyone is afraid of something. There are different types of fears. There’s your typical irrational fears. For instance, I’m terrified of spiders. I can hardly find the power to kill them. There are fears you’re taught. We learn from a young age to keep a safe distance from sketchy white vans, and then there are your deep fears. The fears that deal with the heart. These are often fears of inadequacy or failure. They can spawn from past relationships, from abuse, from observation. These fears are hard to overcome.

One of my biggest fears stems from my people-pleasing nature. I desire to be well liked and valued, but I’ve had past relationships in which I have been treated less than that. While loyalty is one of my strongest traits, in the past I tended to delve into relationships with less than loyal people. Through this, I’ve developed a fear of inadequacy and a fear of not being enough. “Being enough.” “Be enough.” We are told this repeatedly in our society, but how do you become enough. I am a failure. I am innately sinful – we all are. We will all fail. We will never be enough.

Here I am a person afraid of failure striving for the unattainable goal of being enough. It is only through Christ that we are enough and that is because He is enough. He is it. I’ve realized that this fear of not being enough comes out often when I am in a vulnerable position. I assume that I won’t  be enough to keep people in my life. I strive and I strive. If I’m just kind..enough. If I’m funny..enough. If I am intelligent..enough. If I am athletic..enough. If I’m pretty..enough. If I’m stylish..enough. But this grading scale we base our “enoughs” off of is faulty. It’s been fixed by the world’s standards, and with this scale, I will never pass. I can never tell enough jokes, or wear enough good clothes, or say enough smart comments, or score enough goals to ever satisfy the world’s standards. I’m constantly falling short of the mark. This is a humbling and frustrating experience and it produces fear. If I cannot be enough, how will I have friends? If i cannot do enough, how will I keep my job? If I am not enough, who will ever marry me.. and the list goes on and on.

I find myself in a war that I cannot win, and as I stand, head hung, defeated, Christ raises my chin and says ,

“on your own, you are not enough, but I am enough, and I will make you enough.”

“I choose you.” “I want you…”

“Not because you are pretty. Not because you are smart. Not because you can cook. Not because you have enough friends. I choose you because I love you.”

“Nothing you do, good or bad will ever change how I feel about you.”

God calls us to place our stock in Him rather than in this world. People will fail us. People will let us down, and that’s okay. We are not to place unrealistic expectations on them. You will not be enough for others, and they will not be enough for you, but with Jesus. He is enough. Through Him, any relationship can be enough.

Eliminating Expectations

So, a couple weekends ago Jourdan and i went for a carriage ride in downtown Greenfield. Jourdan had been talking about it for a couple weeks, and we were both excited and had built these expectations in our minds that it would be a fun, cozy ride around all the light displays downtown. However, our expectations were replaced by reality. Instead of this image we’d built in our minds…

we ended up waiting for an hour in the cold just to ride.  We had to share a carriage with another couple we’d never met. The ride lasted maybe 15 minutes, and rather than traveling around downtown, we rode around a random block of houses that did not have any Christmas lights put up.

As I replayed the evening in my mind, I was reminded of how expectations can really let you down. So often I have expectations of how my life is going to look/of how my life is going to turn out. And when the reality turns out very different from these images I’ve drawn up in my head, I get disappointed. Not only that, but often I will put expectations on others, and then when they don’t meet these ideas that I’ve come up with, I get frustrated with them.

But, maybe it’s time that we tame our expectations and we start looking at things with new lenses.

Recently, I think God’s been breaking me of all expectations. We aren’t guaranteed anything in this life. We aren’t promised a cookie cutter life, but if I’m honest with myself, I don’t desire a cookie cutter life. I want my life to leak God. When someone looks into my life, I want them to see God’s fingerprints everywhere. In order for that to happen, I have to trust. So much easier said than done. Trusting God can be so painful. Trusting God takes you on a journey that involves a lot of waiting and confusion and uncertainty. I like to have a plan. I like to know what’s going to happen. I like control. I often find myself saying, ‘Ok Lord, I can handle this pain or this stress, or this uncertainty for an immeasurable amount of time, as long as I know that in the end it’ll be okay, or it’ll be what I want.’ But that is not how it works. 1) What I want doesn’t always align with what God wants. 2) That’s not really trust.

By waiting in the hard, and sitting in the confusion, I’m showing God that I know His ways are best and that I may think I know what’s best for me, but in all reality I know God has my best in mind. After all, He’s the creator of the universe and He loves me. He chooses me. He washes me with grace. He pursues me. By knowing those things about God, how can I not rest in the fact that He wants to give me good things. He does. He wants to give all of us good things.

If you’re in a time of waiting, a time of confusion, or a time of trust, I encourage you to constantly remind yourself who God is and rest in the fact that He desires to bless us. He loves us and has our best in mind. I’m trying to rest in that today. I’m stripping away all my expectations and resting in God’s goodness even when it hurts, and even when I’m confused. With no expectations, even the littlest things can bring the greatest joy.

“You make all things new,

You make all things new,

You turn the bitter into sweet,

The bitter into sweet

The bitter into sweet

The winter into spring.”

 

 

Ruining Like No Other

I’m gonna be real and raw and honest. I’m in a weird/strange place. I can’t seem to get into the Word. I long to be close to God but have just no desire to open up my Bible – even though every time I do, I get encouragement from it. A few months ago my first thought was prayer, now it seems to be my last. I believe I’m still reeling from the pain surrounding me due to recent events and I’m trying to box myself off – even from God. I’m not ready to go to Him because I know that God will get to the root of the problem. I know in him I’ll find healing and wholeness, but I need separation from my feelings/emotions right now. I can only handle so much, and right now I’m helping handle others and I cannot deal with my own. I’m honestly not even sure that I have feelings/emotions that need to be dealt with, but I do know I’m not ready to look internally. A few nights ago, I was laying in bed and I wrote the following in my notes:

As human beings, we like to hold on to things. We grasp for certainty and grapple with the unknown. When something comes out of the ordinary, something we rarely/never deal with, something we aren’t accustomed to, our minds/hearts don’t know how to handle this new experience. While the initial and long-term reactions may differ, this occurs with all new experiences whether good, bad, or sad.

Have you ever laid down and your heart felt so heavy yet so fragile you feared if someone touched you or if you moved, it just might break? How did we get here? I didn’t expect my life to look like this. I’m wandering and searching for something to grab on to. I’m searching for certainty in the midst of grief and pain and hurt. I’m searching for something to steady me as I try to pick up the pieces all around me. I long to create a sense of normalcy. I ache as I watch those I love struggle and grasp for air under the weight of their grief, knowing full well that there’s absolutely nothing I can do. Why Lord? Why can’t I seem to get in the Word? Why am i so drawn to you yet at the same time so far from you? What’s going on inside of me. I feel too much. It hurts to feel this much, so I shove it back down. I can’t deal with all of that today. I’m scared that if I open up the feelings and thoughts inside me they’ll flood me and I won’t be able to come up for air. It’s better to forget there’s pain and move forward.

But grief is funny. It has a way of showing it’s face when least expected. You can’t keep it down for too long. It’s one of satan’s biggest assets. Grief weighs you down, but the Lord says to cast our cares. He will take our yoke. Jesus lightens the load, yet I can’t seem to throw my cares there. Instead I house them in places so deep I forget they’re there until they sporadically show up and the sadness just washes over me.

I feel bad if I’m joyful. I feel bad if I have a good day. I feel bad if I’m sad. I feel bad if I don’t have a good day. There’s a weight, and I need freedom from it. My heart hurts and I wonder why. I lay here and cry and wish there was something that could take the pain away for the people I’m close to. I wish I wasn’t so helpless, yet I know the one thing I can do. So I pray as my eyes close and my tears hit the pillow. Take this cup, yet thy will be done.

I’ve been listening to a lot of sermons recently, and something one of the pastor’s said really stuck with me. He was talking on a passage in Isaiah where Isaiah sees the Lord. Up until this time, Isaiah knew of the Lord, he talked about the Lord, but he hadn’t seen the Lord. He hadn’t come face to face with God. When you do, when you see the Lord, he reveals things, and those revelations begin to trump your information. Up until this happens, we are walking around dead. We aren’t fully alive. Something key that this pastor said was that the gospel didn’t come to make bad people good. No, the gospel is here to bring the dead to life. That’s why when you finally see Jesus, you are ruined. You are ruined, but it’s the best kind of ruining. It’s the ruining of dreams. It’s the ruining of anything the world can put before you in an attempt to scew your perception of what matters. I feel as if I am in the middle of that ruining. I’m still muddling around through the mess. I haven’t come face to face with the Lord yet. I haven’t seen the full beauty in the ruining, but I’ve caught glimpses of it.

Maybe you are in a similar place or situation. Maybe you are reeling from pain. Maybe you are walking around dead and you don’t even know it. Maybe you can’t seem to get into the Word. I don’t know what you’re going through or what your situation is, but I encourage you to pursue. Pursue the Lord when you don’t feel like it. Pursue the Lord when you’re hurt. Puruse the Lord when you don’t understand. Pursue. I promise that you will see God. You will be ruined, and you will be the better for it.

Wrestling Heart

My very first entry on this blog was to explain the name of my blog… “then I carried you.” It’s about the poem Footprints and how a guy looking back on his life wondered where God was in the midst of the most trying times. In the hardest valleys why was there only one set of footprints? God says it was because He was carrying the man. Ever since I can remember, I have loved that picture, until now. Now I don’t understand. Now I’m questioning. Now that picture is not as clear, in fact it’s so blurry.

God, where are you? My heart is crying out. We need you. God why do you stay silent? It’s a strange feeling. The feeling of loving the Lord so much but in the same breath being so mad. Wait mad at God? Yeah, that’s what I said. Is that blasphemy? Is that okay? This is something I’ve been wrestling with over the last few weeks, and I’ve come to the conclusion that yes, it is okay.

The Bible talks about Jacob wrestling with the Lord. I have a completely new appreciation for the fact that he wrestled for so long and so hard that an angel dislocated his hip to win. Wrestling with God is so painful and awkward. I think we are raised or groomed to think we can’t be mad at God. There’s a sense of guilt that falls upon me and I feel like I can’t express those feelings of anger, but God wants that. He lives in the raw and the vulnerable. Anything I throw at Him, He takes. He wants to hear my heart and my hurt and my grief. He can take it. He can handle it. And in order to ever move on, I have to voice these feelings – validating and acknowledging them because they deserve to be acknowledged.

I’m reminded of Job. Talk about boldness. He spoke his mind. He called God out on all the things he didn’t understand and all the things he was mad about. There are many chapters of Job crying out and God answering. I think God understands and maybe even expects us to be mad. But it is awkward, because I know God is good and He has a plan but I’ve never been mad or hurt like this before and it’s just such a weird place to be.

I don’t even have many words to say to God, I just have songs – mainly Pieces by Bethel and Even when it hurts (I’ll praise you) by Hillsong United. And I know God is okay with where I’m at. I haven’t really picked up a Bible much these last 3 weeks, and I’ve prayed short prayers a handful of times, but that’s why we have community. People are praying and lifting us up when we just don’t have the strength. It’s incredible really, and it allows me to really be in this place acknowledging the hurt and pain, and anger and growing in that. God is good. God has a plan. But we are allowed to feel mad and work through our feelings. Even if we know it’s not God’s fault and our anger is irrational, He wants to deal with our feelings and walk through that with us.

Lastly, an important thing I’m trying to remember is that God is more grieved over the situation than any of us. His heart is broken, and his heart breaks so often. This is not the world he anticipated or created. This is not the world we were created for. We are in a temporary home until we can be united in Heaven with our loved ones where we belong.

Aching heart.

How do you explain the unexplainable? How do you comprehend the uncomprehendable? How does life keep going on when it appears the world has stopped.

I’ve tried to muster up the words to say. Words are hard to come by right now. Tears. Tears on the other hand seem to be at an endless supply. Before yesterday I had never fully understood grief. I wish I could go back and not know this pain. It’s a pain that starts out numb but leads to a hurt that I could never fathom. I know God is good. But right now, right now I don’t have the words for Him. But He is good. And he will have the last say. Jesus wins. 

With all the pain and suffering and hurt going on in this world, you’d think God would have wanted the “good ones” left on this earth. August 12,2016 marks the day he took some of the best ones with him back up to heaven. They were joyously reunited with John I know. They aren’t suffering. They aren’t working through the tragic pain of his death anymore. They are worshipping at Christ’s feet. 

But what about us down here. How do drew and beau rebuild the pieces. How do they keep going with so much loss. They’ve already been through a loss of dad, now to lose a mom, a brother, a twin/sister all at once? They are strong. They are incredible but this is so much. And mo. Her heart can’t handle all this pain. My heart aches for them. 

And Jourdan. Sweet Jourdan who has always had a higher calling on her. She and Luke were a match made in heaven. They were so on fire for God more than any two people I’ve ever seen. They challenged me so much. Their relationship was so God honoring. It was one to be emulated. They both loved each other. It was so obvious. They were soul mates. My heart aches. It’s too much.

Lisa was my moms person. My mom has never had a best friend and then she was blessed by Lisa My mom has lost that. Idk how you keep going. The pain is so great. My heart aches for that. 

Heaven gained some incredible souls. Lisa luke and Emma. Thank you for emulating Christ. Thank you for showing us a taste of heaven while you were here. 

Luke was an incredible man of God. Jesus leaked out of every inch of his fiber. Luke loved the least of these. Luke was loyal and kind. Luke spoke well about everyone and he had a goofy side to him. He was so smart and had such a passion for life and medicine and helping others. He was going to be an incredible Doctor. He had the most beautiful on fire heart for the Lord. I loved being around him and joking with him. I loved joining in on his FaceTime calls to Jourdan. I loved dominating him in euchre. I miss him. 

Emma was a beautiful person who never saw her true beauty. She was an old soul and she had such a passion for life. She enjoyed and remembered life. She treasured the sunsets. She was smart and driven and strong. You always knew how Emma felt. She wore her heart on her sleeve. She loved deep and hard. I miss her.

Lisa. Lisa was a fighter. She was a rock. She was the most beautiful person I have ever met inside and out. She had a gift that wherever she was she lit up the room and brought people together. Man could she cook. She could make dirt taste good. She had a passion for life – even after all she’d been through… she had a joy. She loved fiercely and she took care of people well. She was full of adventure and a true servant. Lisa I miss you so much. 

Some people have said our family was really good for the Borinsteins and we were helpful in the healing process over the last year and a half, but in all honesty I think they were just as much if not more a gift to us. They are our family and I will guard my brothers (Drew and Beau) and my grandma (Mo) and protect them forever. I will always miss Luke and Emma and Lisa. The ache is so great. It’s with eager anticipation that I think about the day we will all be reunited in heaven with no tears or pain.  I miss you guys so much. I miss our dinners and our vacations. I miss the light heartedness. Thank you for saving my family. I love you guys.

Seeking Approval

Today I sat down to spend some time with the Lord and was wrecked by the last verse in the chapter. God really saved the punch line this time. Isaiah 2:22 says, ” Stop regarding man in whose nostrils is breath for of what account is he?” Preceding this verse was a lengthy explanation on how man will hide in the caves because his sin is so great and God’s wrath is fierce and how man is constantly chasing pride and exaltation but there is a day coming where he will be humbled in the blink of an eye.

Why do I fight so hard for man’s approval? Why do I care? Just moments before I was looking at my last instagram post wondering if it didn’t get as many likes as normal because I posted it late at night. Really? Is that what life has come down to – analyzing our likes on instagram? Do we really derive our worth and value from a social media post? Unfortunately, we do. How often do we do something not for the experience but for a good instagram post? I know I’ve been guilty of this. There’ve been times where I haven’t even been fully present in an experience – soaking up nature, hanging out with friends, listening to music, whatever it may be, because I was so worried about capturing the moment so I could later post it.

This past weekend my family went with another family to Ohio. We spent more time outside than inside and it was really just a good time to soak up the outdoors. Throughout the course of 72 hours I think I had my phone for maybe 5 hours. I didn’t bring it kayaking, biking, or hiking. I didn’t take pictures of the incredibly cool places we saw – instead I just drank in the moments. I took mental pictures. I enjoyed the time and space. This was such a freeing time for me.

Now if only I could master not caring about what others think. When you read Isaiah 2, it makes it so clear that other’s opinions shouldn’t matter. Honestly, it’s ludicrous that I would lose any sleep worrying about another’s opinion of my appearance, my style, my life choices. For one, man is so focused on self-prospering that he/she is utterly unaware of me or my life choices. For those who are judging my decisions or sizing me up, I can remember that man is but a speck in the eyes of the Lord and man is selfish and ignorant and prideful. And what does man give us? Nothing. Man is broken. Man is selfish. Man destroys, but God,  Oh God is wonderful and mighty. He sets fear in the hearts of man. He’s radiant and beautiful. He creates beautiful things. He is above all and in all, and He chooses to love us with a love unfathomable and unconditional. God is who I should be wanting to impress. He alone can judge. He alone is worthy of my thoughts and time. Yet I yearn for the approval of my peers, and I long to fit in inside a world where I’m called to stand out and speak up. Signing up to follow Jesus. Choosing to die to self and live as Christ kind of killed all hopes to gain approval of man. It feels like I’ve lost a lot, but in all reality I’ve gained so much more. The devil tries his best to make us yearn for worldly standards, for man’s stamp of approval, but what account is man? Man is nothing compared to the Lord. Engrain that into me Lord. Press it upon my heart. Remind me daily.

“Enter into the rock and hide in the dust from before the terror of the Lord, and from the splendor of his majesty…Stop regarding man in whose nostrils is breath, for of what account is he?”

To the girl who struggles opening up…

Women used to always be depicted as damsels in distress. We were emotional creatures who wore our hearts on our sleeves. Enter the feminist movement and now women are depicted to be tough, do it yourself, I don’t need anyone or any help. But what about the girl who does need others but doesn’t know how to express her need. What about the girl who struggles with vulnerability and opening up. What about the girl who longs to live in relationship but in the same breath is terrified of opening up.

What do you get when you become involved in a friendship or relationship with this type of girl?  You have to learn to just be there, and you have to learn to be patient. You may get frustrated because she takes so long to share her thoughts and feelings. This isn’t because she doesn’t want to, its because she doesn’t know how she’s feeling, and if she can’t interpret her own feelings, there’s no way she can tell you what she’s thinking. You’re in for a fight. Earning her trust is a battle, and it will take time. But once you earn her trust, you will never lose it. She is loyal to a fault. Don’t take her loyalty for granted. Don’t abuse it. Nine times out of ten, you will find that she has been hurt by someone she trusted in her past. Loyalty is what she aches for. Be loyal back.

Although she may not show how she feels all the time, she longs to be known – to be pursued – to be taken care of. Fight for her heart. Pursue her, and you will have the best friend and confident that you could ask for. There’s nobody else you’ll want in your corner when things get tough.

While loyalty and empathy are her beauty, they are also her weakness. Her loyalty can drag her to a place of hurt. Her care runs deep and she will love even when she isn’t loved in return. It’s both a blessing and a curse to care so deeply. You see, “loyalty isn’t grey. It is black and white. You’re either loyal completely, or not loyal at all. And people have to understand this: you can’t be loyal only when it serves you.”

So no, I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve. (And there is nothing wrong with wearing your heart on your sleeve. It’s a beautiful thing to be able to express emotion openly in that way! It’s simply not how God made me.) But I feel things deeply. I’ve been hurt by people throughout my past, but I think it’s only made me a better friend. I don’t need lots of friends, I just need a few people who I can rely on who I know will always be in my corner. There are times when I hate my loyalty and my deep care for people, but deep down, i wouldn’t change who I am and I wouldn’t feel any less. My loyalty has brought hurt, but it has also brought joy.

I would say the hardest lesson for this girl, the girl who’s scared of opening up but the most loyal person you’ll ever meet is the art of learning when and how to let go.

 

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Refocusing

Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge,  a strong tower against the enemy. Psalm 61:2 

So easily I forget who the Lord is and that He has everything in His hands. Lately I’ve been stressed at work, this week has brought me back to my freshman and sophomore years of college. I used to be so depressed walking to class. I was floundering and struggling. I had no idea what I was doing…slowly I began to find my niche and realized I could enjoy some of the design aspects and business aspects. Fast forward to now, I’ve found myself at an incredible company working with people I enjoy. Yet, I struggle. I don’t feel like my passions are utilized sitting at a desk for 8 hours a day fumbling around trying to catch my bearings. I’ve never been a natural “tech world” person, yet I know that this is where God has me right now, and so I want to throw 110% into now and not focus on the future.

But this week, man this week has been hard. In a display of raw vulnerability, I’ll admit that this week I’ve stressed, worried, felt overwhelmed, and really questioned where God has me and what I’m doing. Today it hit me like a pile of bricks, sitting in a meeting towards the end of the day, hearing all the requirements expected of me that I don’t know how to do. I became overwhelmed and tears started to form in my eyes. “Hold it together Nikki. Gosh how embarrassing.” As I left work, I couldn’t help but think how in over my head I was. Why do people continually seem to think I can do these things that I really don’t think I can do? Why do people have so much confidence in me? Why don’t I have that confidence in myself? I turned on my car and in a cloud of stress accidentally put my car in reverse slamming on my breaks before plowing into the car behind me.. Had I hit that car, I think a flood of tears would have eluded from my eyes and the flow may’ve  never ceased. I turned on my radio to hear these words,

“Far be it from me to not believe, even when I cannot see. And this mountain that’s in front of me will be thrown into the midst of the sea. Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you. Through it all, it is well.” 

I know I’m not in my dream place yet. I don’t love what I do. I don’t feel my passions being used, but I know God has a plan, so even when I cannot see, I will choose to trust in Him. I know that these are stepping stones to where God has me going, and I want to be all here. I do feel overwhelmed at work. I feel like Mt. Everest is in my way, but praise God, hallelujah, he moves mountains into the sea. For my God is bigger than any problem, and therefore I can say “It is well, with my soul.”

As trivial as these problems are, I hope that reading this has instilled hope inside you in whatever you are going through. The Lord has a plan. The Lord is fighting for us. We just have to focus on him. (Song reference is: It is Well by Bethel).

Love You Soon

“To let go isn’t to forget, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn’t leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn’t winning, and it isn’t losing. It’s not about pride, and it’s not about how you appear, and it’s not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn’t blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn’t leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness It’s not giving in or giving up. Letting go isn’t about loss and it’s not defeat.

To let go is to cherish memories, and overcome and move on. It’s having an open mind and confidence in the future. Letting go is accepting. It’s learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It’s about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon again have. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It’s realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path, and to set you free…”

God’s been leading me through a time of letting go recently. Hah, I feel as though most of my posts have been on transition/letting go.. so many transitions and so many things to let go of.. I guess I have a tighter grip than most people, but at any rate, I continue to struggle with letting go. As I stumbled upon this quote I couldn’t help but think what a refreshing outlook it produced on letting go.

I guess I’ve been thinking about relationships a lot lately. Recently I read the book “Captivating” by Stasi Eldredge and I’ve begun to read “Wild at Heart” by John Eldredge. What I’ve been learning is that we are designed for relationship. The Bible states that both man and woman were made in the image of God. Man was made to showcase the Lord’s adventurous side. Man was made for the wilderness – for adventure – for making poor judgment acts in the name of fun. Man was made to be a protector. Women were also made in the image of God. Women were made to bring beauty. We were made to bring solace and a motherly touch while being protected. Women long for adventures as well. Both men and women were made in the image of God. When brought together, we depict the whole image of God. I think that’s why God uses marriage to depict his highest and greatest relationship. Marriage depicts Christ and the church. It makes sense that we long so deeply for such intimacy. So what do we do while we wait?

I think we should focus more on praying for our future spouse. So often we are focused on wanting to be in that relationship but I think our focus needs to be on honoring our future spouse now in the spot we are in. Who knows what your future spouse is currently going through and how the prayers you send his/her way could be helping them at that time. It’s not just about when we are actually in the relationship. We are called to honor our future spouse now – in how we conduct ourselves with the opposite sex, in how we talk about relationships, in how we pray for our future spouse, and how we prepare for that relationship. Write down your prayers. Write down your thoughts. I’ve made a commitment to keeping a journal for my future spouse. It houses prayers and thoughts. It has an intimacy that one day I hope to share with my spouse. Find a way to respect and honor your future spouse in your current situation. Be honoring him/her in how you act now. Wait patiently on the Lord’s timing and allow Him to work.

Guys, don’t let today’s world allow you to be passive. Be bold. Pursue the girl. Be spiritual leaders, respect girls, and continually affirm and love your girl. Girls, stop throwing yourself at guys. Respect yourselves. Allow guys to pursue you and stop tripping guys up with how you dress/act – be modest. Respect guys and allow them to be gentleman by protecting you.

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Can Two Parts Make a Whole

Today I felt the nudge to write, but my thoughts are all jumbled up tied in a knot in my mind and I have no clear path, so if you choose to join me on this winding road of a post then more power to you, but if you choose to skip over this post, well, I don’t blame you.

Today, as I was sitting at my desk, at work, I thought back to an earlier conversation I had with one of my friends. It’s so strange – this concept of spending 8 hours of your day at work. It almost seems like I’m living two lives.

  1. My work life
  2. My life outside of work

When I’m at work, I sit behind a desk and type away on a computer in a language I don’t understand seventy-five percent of the time. Honestly, half of my day is probably spent googling things in order to 1. get my project to build or 2. perfect my project. I’m not going to lie. I don’t think we were designed to sit still behind a desk for 8 hours…thank God for under desk ellipticals.

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It’s definitely hard to go from being such an active person to one who sits behind a desk, but this helps. 🙂 In all honesty, sometimes I wonder what my purpose here is. I’m so relational and right now I feel a huge lack of relationship in the “work” part of my life. I am making friends at work, but even that is strange because they’re my “work” friends so my life outside of work doesn’t really know/understand my “work” friends or work stories. After I put my 8 hours in every day, I leave work behind and enter into the familiar…

This brings me to my second life – my non work life. At work, it seems like my life is work, but after I leave work, I quickly forget about it and re-enter into what I’m used to – family, friends, workouts, church, and of course netflix. There’s an air of comfortability in this life. Here I know where I stand. I’m confident I’ll be able to handle any curveballs life throws and I know my strengths and my weaknesses. In my other life, I’m not confident I can handle what’s thrown at me. I feel like I went through 4 years of schooling, 3 internships, and this past 2 months of work and really know nothing..and I’ll probably feel this way for a long time…

In my non-work life, I’m surrounded by people my own age who are dealing with similar situations. In my work life I’m surrounded, mainly, by middle aged men with wisdom but all going through very different situations. Being a girl, I already stand out at work, but being a 22 year old girl I stand out even more. I may be one of like 3 people who has personalized their desk..no shame..i’m a girl. If I’m going to be here for most of my day, I am going to be in an aesthetically pleasing environment…I guess that’s why I work more on the design side of development.


 

I think though, the biggest thing that causes such a divide and brings a feeling of two separate lives is my inability to communicate what I do at work. Unless someone has a background in technology, I can’t seem to explain my job in a way that is understandable. It always comes off way too high tech.. as I sit here writing this I’m realizing for the first time that this kind of bothers me. I wish people could understand. This is my life. It’s a huge part of what I do, and it’s not something that the people I love and care about really understand. That’s weird. And on top of that the people I work with who know what I do and understand my job don’t actually know my life or who I am or my passions or thoughts or hopes. It’s a weird place to be straddling the line between work and home, but it’s something people have done for centuries, so I guess my wobbly legs will get the hang of it sooner or later and be able to more confidently straddle the line leaving any previous trepidation behind.

I’m not sure any of this made any sense. I think what it boils down to is I’m navigating the waters of  being an innately designed relational person in a non-relational field of work while the relationships I already have cannot understand this job that takes up so much of my life.