I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how my life right now looks nothing like I thought it would look at 23. In all honesty, I pictured myself engaged or married, working but not in the computer field at a desk all day, and everything going just perfectly in my family. I realize this was a naive, childish way of thinking, and as I aged I knew life wouldn’t look just how I pictured, but somehow everything appears to be so much harder/different than I could have ever imagined.
Never in my wildest dreams would I have pictured or thought that our best family friends would pass away in a plane crash. Never did I envision the slander our family would undergo, and never would I have thought my sister could endure so much grief at such a young age. It’s hard to remember joy. It’s hard to remember when life was easier and happier.
Never did I think I would spend 2 years praying and seeking and following the Lord’s direction with a guy for it to end in the same way that it had started in confusion, uncertainty, and unanswered thoughts/wishes/hopes.
Where is God leading? What is this time right now? I don’t understand. I feel as though He has promised so many good things yet I’m experiencing the opposite. But, this morning as I was wrestling with these thoughts, I was reminded of David. King David, a man after God’s own heart – one of the heroes of the Bible. He was promised the kingdom. Yet, it would take years before that promise was fulfilled. In those years leading to his Kingship, he would experience family members ridicule, his best friend’s dad longing to kill him, thoughts of doubt and many fears.
Often the things God promises to us take time. Often God is molding and shaping us through the trials and difficulties of life. Often we are taken by roads that we don’t want to go down, and we don’t understand why we are traveling on them.We live in a world that is filled with instant gratification and quick turn arounds. Waiting produces endurance, and it also generates a greater appreciation.
Our strength can produce competition, but our weakness can produce community. These stories and this journey God will use and is using to relate to other people. Already I have been able to make certain connections or understand others from a deeper/more raw area because I’ve experienced pain, frustration, confusion, waiting, prayers answered in ways I did not expect, etc. God loves weak people. God wants to use weak/broken people. It’s these people who recognize their undoubtable need for Him. We are needy. We need God every day, every second. It is only upon recognition and realization that God can strengthen us and use us in His way.
I think lately I’ve been asking God to bless my plans rather than use me as a blessing in His plans. I’m not sure what exactly God has in store for me and my family, but I know that He redeems and that He is preparing us for something great. I’m not sure who God has for my future husband, but I’m willing to wait and to allow God to work in His timing. This place is tough, but it’s good, because He is here with us.