I’m gonna be real and raw and honest. I’m in a weird/strange place. I can’t seem to get into the Word. I long to be close to God but have just no desire to open up my Bible – even though every time I do, I get encouragement from it. A few months ago my first thought was prayer, now it seems to be my last. I believe I’m still reeling from the pain surrounding me due to recent events and I’m trying to box myself off – even from God. I’m not ready to go to Him because I know that God will get to the root of the problem. I know in him I’ll find healing and wholeness, but I need separation from my feelings/emotions right now. I can only handle so much, and right now I’m helping handle others and I cannot deal with my own. I’m honestly not even sure that I have feelings/emotions that need to be dealt with, but I do know I’m not ready to look internally. A few nights ago, I was laying in bed and I wrote the following in my notes:
As human beings, we like to hold on to things. We grasp for certainty and grapple with the unknown. When something comes out of the ordinary, something we rarely/never deal with, something we aren’t accustomed to, our minds/hearts don’t know how to handle this new experience. While the initial and long-term reactions may differ, this occurs with all new experiences whether good, bad, or sad.
Have you ever laid down and your heart felt so heavy yet so fragile you feared if someone touched you or if you moved, it just might break? How did we get here? I didn’t expect my life to look like this. I’m wandering and searching for something to grab on to. I’m searching for certainty in the midst of grief and pain and hurt. I’m searching for something to steady me as I try to pick up the pieces all around me. I long to create a sense of normalcy. I ache as I watch those I love struggle and grasp for air under the weight of their grief, knowing full well that there’s absolutely nothing I can do. Why Lord? Why can’t I seem to get in the Word? Why am i so drawn to you yet at the same time so far from you? What’s going on inside of me. I feel too much. It hurts to feel this much, so I shove it back down. I can’t deal with all of that today. I’m scared that if I open up the feelings and thoughts inside me they’ll flood me and I won’t be able to come up for air. It’s better to forget there’s pain and move forward.
But grief is funny. It has a way of showing it’s face when least expected. You can’t keep it down for too long. It’s one of satan’s biggest assets. Grief weighs you down, but the Lord says to cast our cares. He will take our yoke. Jesus lightens the load, yet I can’t seem to throw my cares there. Instead I house them in places so deep I forget they’re there until they sporadically show up and the sadness just washes over me.
I feel bad if I’m joyful. I feel bad if I have a good day. I feel bad if I’m sad. I feel bad if I don’t have a good day. There’s a weight, and I need freedom from it. My heart hurts and I wonder why. I lay here and cry and wish there was something that could take the pain away for the people I’m close to. I wish I wasn’t so helpless, yet I know the one thing I can do. So I pray as my eyes close and my tears hit the pillow. Take this cup, yet thy will be done.
I’ve been listening to a lot of sermons recently, and something one of the pastor’s said really stuck with me. He was talking on a passage in Isaiah where Isaiah sees the Lord. Up until this time, Isaiah knew of the Lord, he talked about the Lord, but he hadn’t seen the Lord. He hadn’t come face to face with God. When you do, when you see the Lord, he reveals things, and those revelations begin to trump your information. Up until this happens, we are walking around dead. We aren’t fully alive. Something key that this pastor said was that the gospel didn’t come to make bad people good. No, the gospel is here to bring the dead to life. That’s why when you finally see Jesus, you are ruined. You are ruined, but it’s the best kind of ruining. It’s the ruining of dreams. It’s the ruining of anything the world can put before you in an attempt to scew your perception of what matters. I feel as if I am in the middle of that ruining. I’m still muddling around through the mess. I haven’t come face to face with the Lord yet. I haven’t seen the full beauty in the ruining, but I’ve caught glimpses of it.
Maybe you are in a similar place or situation. Maybe you are reeling from pain. Maybe you are walking around dead and you don’t even know it. Maybe you can’t seem to get into the Word. I don’t know what you’re going through or what your situation is, but I encourage you to pursue. Pursue the Lord when you don’t feel like it. Pursue the Lord when you’re hurt. Puruse the Lord when you don’t understand. Pursue. I promise that you will see God. You will be ruined, and you will be the better for it.