Wrestling Heart

My very first entry on this blog was to explain the name of my blog… “then I carried you.” It’s about the poem Footprints and how a guy looking back on his life wondered where God was in the midst of the most trying times. In the hardest valleys why was there only one set of footprints? God says it was because He was carrying the man. Ever since I can remember, I have loved that picture, until now. Now I don’t understand. Now I’m questioning. Now that picture is not as clear, in fact it’s so blurry.

God, where are you? My heart is crying out. We need you. God why do you stay silent? It’s a strange feeling. The feeling of loving the Lord so much but in the same breath being so mad. Wait mad at God? Yeah, that’s what I said. Is that blasphemy? Is that okay? This is something I’ve been wrestling with over the last few weeks, and I’ve come to the conclusion that yes, it is okay.

The Bible talks about Jacob wrestling with the Lord. I have a completely new appreciation for the fact that he wrestled for so long and so hard that an angel dislocated his hip to win. Wrestling with God is so painful and awkward. I think we are raised or groomed to think we can’t be mad at God. There’s a sense of guilt that falls upon me and I feel like I can’t express those feelings of anger, but God wants that. He lives in the raw and the vulnerable. Anything I throw at Him, He takes. He wants to hear my heart and my hurt and my grief. He can take it. He can handle it. And in order to ever move on, I have to voice these feelings – validating and acknowledging them because they deserve to be acknowledged.

I’m reminded of Job. Talk about boldness. He spoke his mind. He called God out on all the things he didn’t understand and all the things he was mad about. There are many chapters of Job crying out and God answering. I think God understands and maybe even expects us to be mad. But it is awkward, because I know God is good and He has a plan but I’ve never been mad or hurt like this before and it’s just such a weird place to be.

I don’t even have many words to say to God, I just have songs – mainly Pieces by Bethel and Even when it hurts (I’ll praise you) by Hillsong United. And I know God is okay with where I’m at. I haven’t really picked up a Bible much these last 3 weeks, and I’ve prayed short prayers a handful of times, but that’s why we have community. People are praying and lifting us up when we just don’t have the strength. It’s incredible really, and it allows me to really be in this place acknowledging the hurt and pain, and anger and growing in that. God is good. God has a plan. But we are allowed to feel mad and work through our feelings. Even if we know it’s not God’s fault and our anger is irrational, He wants to deal with our feelings and walk through that with us.

Lastly, an important thing I’m trying to remember is that God is more grieved over the situation than any of us. His heart is broken, and his heart breaks so often. This is not the world he anticipated or created. This is not the world we were created for. We are in a temporary home until we can be united in Heaven with our loved ones where we belong.

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