Refocusing

Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge,  a strong tower against the enemy. Psalm 61:2 

So easily I forget who the Lord is and that He has everything in His hands. Lately I’ve been stressed at work, this week has brought me back to my freshman and sophomore years of college. I used to be so depressed walking to class. I was floundering and struggling. I had no idea what I was doing…slowly I began to find my niche and realized I could enjoy some of the design aspects and business aspects. Fast forward to now, I’ve found myself at an incredible company working with people I enjoy. Yet, I struggle. I don’t feel like my passions are utilized sitting at a desk for 8 hours a day fumbling around trying to catch my bearings. I’ve never been a natural “tech world” person, yet I know that this is where God has me right now, and so I want to throw 110% into now and not focus on the future.

But this week, man this week has been hard. In a display of raw vulnerability, I’ll admit that this week I’ve stressed, worried, felt overwhelmed, and really questioned where God has me and what I’m doing. Today it hit me like a pile of bricks, sitting in a meeting towards the end of the day, hearing all the requirements expected of me that I don’t know how to do. I became overwhelmed and tears started to form in my eyes. “Hold it together Nikki. Gosh how embarrassing.” As I left work, I couldn’t help but think how in over my head I was. Why do people continually seem to think I can do these things that I really don’t think I can do? Why do people have so much confidence in me? Why don’t I have that confidence in myself? I turned on my car and in a cloud of stress accidentally put my car in reverse slamming on my breaks before plowing into the car behind me.. Had I hit that car, I think a flood of tears would have eluded from my eyes and the flow may’ve  never ceased. I turned on my radio to hear these words,

“Far be it from me to not believe, even when I cannot see. And this mountain that’s in front of me will be thrown into the midst of the sea. Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you. Through it all, it is well.” 

I know I’m not in my dream place yet. I don’t love what I do. I don’t feel my passions being used, but I know God has a plan, so even when I cannot see, I will choose to trust in Him. I know that these are stepping stones to where God has me going, and I want to be all here. I do feel overwhelmed at work. I feel like Mt. Everest is in my way, but praise God, hallelujah, he moves mountains into the sea. For my God is bigger than any problem, and therefore I can say “It is well, with my soul.”

As trivial as these problems are, I hope that reading this has instilled hope inside you in whatever you are going through. The Lord has a plan. The Lord is fighting for us. We just have to focus on him. (Song reference is: It is Well by Bethel).

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