Today I felt the nudge to write, but my thoughts are all jumbled up tied in a knot in my mind and I have no clear path, so if you choose to join me on this winding road of a post then more power to you, but if you choose to skip over this post, well, I don’t blame you.
Today, as I was sitting at my desk, at work, I thought back to an earlier conversation I had with one of my friends. It’s so strange – this concept of spending 8 hours of your day at work. It almost seems like I’m living two lives.
- My work life
- My life outside of work
When I’m at work, I sit behind a desk and type away on a computer in a language I don’t understand seventy-five percent of the time. Honestly, half of my day is probably spent googling things in order to 1. get my project to build or 2. perfect my project. I’m not going to lie. I don’t think we were designed to sit still behind a desk for 8 hours…thank God for under desk ellipticals.
It’s definitely hard to go from being such an active person to one who sits behind a desk, but this helps. 🙂 In all honesty, sometimes I wonder what my purpose here is. I’m so relational and right now I feel a huge lack of relationship in the “work” part of my life. I am making friends at work, but even that is strange because they’re my “work” friends so my life outside of work doesn’t really know/understand my “work” friends or work stories. After I put my 8 hours in every day, I leave work behind and enter into the familiar…
This brings me to my second life – my non work life. At work, it seems like my life is work, but after I leave work, I quickly forget about it and re-enter into what I’m used to – family, friends, workouts, church, and of course netflix. There’s an air of comfortability in this life. Here I know where I stand. I’m confident I’ll be able to handle any curveballs life throws and I know my strengths and my weaknesses. In my other life, I’m not confident I can handle what’s thrown at me. I feel like I went through 4 years of schooling, 3 internships, and this past 2 months of work and really know nothing..and I’ll probably feel this way for a long time…
In my non-work life, I’m surrounded by people my own age who are dealing with similar situations. In my work life I’m surrounded, mainly, by middle aged men with wisdom but all going through very different situations. Being a girl, I already stand out at work, but being a 22 year old girl I stand out even more. I may be one of like 3 people who has personalized their desk..no shame..i’m a girl. If I’m going to be here for most of my day, I am going to be in an aesthetically pleasing environment…I guess that’s why I work more on the design side of development.
I think though, the biggest thing that causes such a divide and brings a feeling of two separate lives is my inability to communicate what I do at work. Unless someone has a background in technology, I can’t seem to explain my job in a way that is understandable. It always comes off way too high tech.. as I sit here writing this I’m realizing for the first time that this kind of bothers me. I wish people could understand. This is my life. It’s a huge part of what I do, and it’s not something that the people I love and care about really understand. That’s weird. And on top of that the people I work with who know what I do and understand my job don’t actually know my life or who I am or my passions or thoughts or hopes. It’s a weird place to be straddling the line between work and home, but it’s something people have done for centuries, so I guess my wobbly legs will get the hang of it sooner or later and be able to more confidently straddle the line leaving any previous trepidation behind.
I’m not sure any of this made any sense. I think what it boils down to is I’m navigating the waters of being an innately designed relational person in a non-relational field of work while the relationships I already have cannot understand this job that takes up so much of my life.