Why is it that I struggle fully opening up with the Lord. I mean if He already knows my thoughts, my deepest fears, hopes, wishes, shouldn’t it be easier to share them? I’m trying to pray boldly and follow His direction and path, but some of my deepest hopes I can’t say out loud. It’s as if I don’t think God is big enough. Back and forth, back and forth I wrestle. I give over the keys yet won’t leave the driver’s seat. Slowly I give a little more, and a little more, yet I can’t fully hand over everything. I want God in the driver’s seat, but can I hold the map? Or, God you can have the driver’s seat, but lets take one of those driver’s ed cars that has breaks on both sides so I don’t fully have to relinquish all control.
Relinquishing total control is scary. It’s hard. Loss of control equals vulnerability. Vulnerability equals potential pain. Pain equals hurt, but things hurt because they matter. What will it take to fully relinquish total control? How can I get there? I went to Africa. I had no control, and I learned to trust the Lord completely. I want that back. Although I grew in that area immensely, coming back to America, where life happens, and transitions are encountered, it’s hard not to take some of that control back. It’s. Hard. To. Wait. There’s a constant game of tug-of-war going on between me and the Lord. He wants full control and I want Him to have it but I can’t fully release it. Lord rip the rope of control between us out of my hands. Take full control, leave me lying in the mud, in need of a helping hand up.
Waiting is difficult. It’s so counter-culture, and that’s why not many people can understand. Sometimes, I feel like I’m alone in this period of waiting. But as pinterest once said, “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to. It’s not for them.” That’s so true. This is my journey. My period of waiting. There’s no better place to be, but at the same time there’s no harder place to be. This is my desert. My undesirable place between two desirable places, and I know down the road, I will look back and see how valuable this time of waiting was for me, and how in the grand scheme of things, it was a short segment of life. However, that doesn’t make this time of waiting any less hard. I’m ready Lord, but you aren’t. You’re protecting me from something and building me in some way that I need. Help me to wait. Help me to trust. I’m not going to take the ASAP way of praying, but I’m going to engage in the ALAT method of praying. I will pray As Long As it Takes.
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate.
And the Master so gently said, “Wait.”
“Child, you must wait.”
“Wait? you say wait?” my indignant reply.
“Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I’m claiming your Word.”
“My future and all to which I relate.
Hangs in the balance, and You tell me to wait?
I’m needing a ‘Yes.’ a go-ahead sign,
Or even a ‘No’ to which I can resign”
“And Lord, You promised that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive
And Lord I’ve been asking, and this is my cry:
I’m weary of asking! I need a reply.”
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, “You must Wait.”
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, “So, I’m waiting…for what?”
He seemed, then to kneel,
And His eyes met with mine.
And He tenderly said, “I could give you a sign
I could shake the heavens, and darken the un.
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run. “
“All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want
But, you wouldn’t know Me.
You’d not know the depth of My love for each saint;
You’d not know the power that I give to the faint.”
“You’d not learn to see through clouds of despair,
You’d not learn to trust just by knowing I’m there;
You’d not know the joy of resting in Me;
When darkness and silence were all you could see. “
“You’d never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My spirit descends like a dove;
You’d know that I give and I save, for a start,
But you’d not know the depth of the beat of My heart.”
“The glow of My comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that’s beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have last.”
“You’d never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that, ‘My grace is sufficient for thee.’
Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if I lost what I’m doing in you!”
“So, be silent, My child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know Me.
And though oft’ may My answers seem terrible late,
My most precious answer of all is still, ‘Wait.’”
Wait by Russell Kelfer