Fight they say.

It’ll get easier they say.

Your time is coming.

Fight. Fight. Fight. But what if my time never comes? What if I fight and lose? What if I open up to hope and end up disappointed. Can I handle another disappointment. I’m tired. Wouldn’t it just be easier to accept defeat? Yes.

There’s a battle going on in my mind. I can’t process my thoughts. I went to the doctor yesterday because I’ve been having pain in my legs again. While they aren’t sure, it seems I have medial tibial stress syndome which is just a fancy way of saying I have chronic shin splints. Unless I quit the activity that brings my legs pain, all I can do  is manage my pain. Well, shoot, I’m a college soccer player…I can’t just stop training. Preseason is in 2 weeks. Manage my pain? How? I need to get in shape for preseason. I need my body to allow me to train hard. I already have ground to make up due to my 6 weeks spent in Africa, how can I back off? But I have to.

I’m an all-in or not-in/black-and-white type of person. How does that work in this situation? What I’m struggling to wrap my head around is how do I train to get on the field and give my best when I have to back off due to the pain in my legs? How do you mentally prepare for that? In the back of my mind I just keep thinking: it’s futile. After my ACL surgery, I was prepared to fight. I was going to come back with a fire and make up all the ground I lost. While I made an okay comeback, I ended up with chronic exertional compartment syndrome. Okay. I can sit out some because this next surgery is going to heal me and I’ll come back with a fire for my last season. Now, I’m entering my senior season and all that fight has brought me to a place of backing off and managing my pain and a fading hope that my legs will one day feel 100%.

How do I keep fighting? I’m tired of opening myself up to hope only to be disappointed. There are two voices in my head. 1) The voice of the Lord: I have a plan. I’ve called you to give me your best, whatever that is. You are already a victor through Christ, so fight…even if the outcome – the victory doesn’t appear in the same way you pictured it in your mind. 2) the devil’s soft, romantacizing lies. Fight? You’ve fought enough. Where has fighting taken you to? Nobody will blame you if you just take it esier and accept defeat. What are you even fighting for?

Truthfully, I’ve bought into some of the devil’s lies, and even though I’m beginning to identify them, I haven’t identified all of them/I don’t know how to combat all of them. I know this turmoil and unsettling feeling I have is my spirit fighting off my flesh. I want to fight, but I am tired. I’m going to fight, but first can I rest? Fight. Exodus 14:14, “The Lord with fight for you. You need only to be still.” God, I step back and I allow you to fight for me. I want to fight, but I don’t have the strength. Fill me with your strength.

Watch out IWU, I’m coming, and I’m going to figure out how to fight/how to let God fight for me. Going into the battle, I don’t know what the outcome will be, but nobody knows the outcome when they go into a fight. Sometimes we lose, sometimes we succeed. We may not win 100% of the battles we chose to fight, but we lose 100% of the battles we chose to sit out of. Failure/defeat is a risk of obtaining victory. One day at a time. I can’t fight for the whole season, but I can fight for today. One day at a time.


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