waiting..

“If you let me, here’s what I’ll do. I’ll take care of you…”  ..I’m developing a hatred for that song. 5:15am – off to practice. I know practice is a privilege. I really do love practice, but as 6am rolls around and practice starts and I watch my teammates begin to stretch out, a wave of sadness washes over me. I go to the training room and pull out the bike.

Another day spent on the sidelines. 

I pedal, moving fast yet going nowhere – an ironically cruel metaphor of my life. A little over a year ago, when I tore my ACL, I never imagined the longevity and impending repurcussions of such an injury. You never fully heal – physically or mentally. For me, it seems for every two steps forward I take another three steps back – running, or should I say biking, forward but never actually moving.

So I sit there, allowing myself to indulge in self-pity before dragging myself out of the pit and reminding myself of how far I’ve come and why I play. I choose instead to encourage my teammates and focus on getting back on the field.

It’s hard.

It’s hard to stay positive and strong when you feel fragile and breakable. It’s hard to go hard when you are in a sense waiting for the next injury. Each time I feel like I’m “healed” or progressing, something happens from my stress fracture coming back to my knee giving out…I just want to feel normal again. And I can’t help but constantly feel like I’m falling behind. There are so many things I want to work on for soccer, yet I’m stuck in my own little prison – the bike. So I continue to pedal…

As I pedaled this morning, I listened to It is Well, by Bethel, on repeat. The following lines really hit me.

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
It is well with me

Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can’t see

And this mountain that’s in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

It’s a good reminder that God has a plan and no matter what life throws at me, it will be worked for good. My eyes may not see now, but God’s can see. He has seen the future, and I trust him. In the grand scheme of things, soccer is just a sport. It’s a sport that will end in a year. If my only problems are injuries that are keeping me from playing, then I’m so beyond blessed. I know this. Tonight was a good reminder. I went and watched the movie Girl Rising, and it was all about opressed girls in different countries and how they are rising up. It was perfect timing to put everything into perspective. Through it all, my eyes are on Christ.

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